I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize