i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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