the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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