He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Randomize
