a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
