she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
