I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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