Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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