I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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