its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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