Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
They took my balls.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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