I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
