Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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