Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
