btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
