It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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