some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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