Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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