I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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