just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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