You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
