my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize