Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
