Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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