Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
