i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
