bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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