I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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