first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
