I think I died a long time ago.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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