My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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