he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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