Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
