remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
