Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
