Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
