You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
