battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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