you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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