All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
we're so committed to being not committed
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