i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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