I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
