the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
