Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
