He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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