and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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