she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
