you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
I really regret not asking ālike a cupcakeā when you asked me to eat your ass
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