My liver just broke up with me...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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