Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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