i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Sex in the backyard? Check.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
