The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
