I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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