I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
